Feeling Better

I just finished my first semester at school. I did pretty well. I even got a schollarship. That was really awesome. As for my personal like nothing much has changed. I am happy but at the same time I don't knjow if part of its because I have excepted and not dwelled on the fact that I am not involved with anyone, that my child's father is not part of his life and most likely never will be, and that there are things I just cant change in life.
Its almost like I know tha I will always be single and I don't care anymore. My child is healthy and happy as well as I am. I'm doing the best i can andI will keep on going.
I have one more year left of school and then hopefully everything will fall into place and I can get out of the debt that I am in.
Happy Holidays to all!!!!!

Lonely days

I am happy but at the same time feeling so alone. Everything is going great in class but on a personal level I know in my heart that I will never have what I have always wanted. I don't want it all. I don't have to have all the things my sister has to be happy. Nor does that mean I am willing to settle and like my family thinks that I l like ghetto and don't want better. I think simplicity. I'd be very happy having a decent job not even making a lot of money but doing something I really enjoy doing. COoking. It doesn't have to be a big fancy restaurant. It could b a little mom and pop place. Having a little house or a nice apartment. Me my son and maybe a husband.
My fmily just thinks I like to take the easy way out but honestly I don't think they really know me. Sure I have went out with the biggest loosers and done some crazy things. But I have changed. And you know what I shouldn't have to try and prove my self to my whole family. I always feel like I have something to prove and you know what what I am doing now in school I would be hapy woorking at a little shit place busting my ass for what ever money they gave me because at the end of the day I cansay I am happy doing what I do working cooking and serving food and talking to real people. In my family's eyes that would mean I am settiling and taking the easy way out and at this pint I am done trying to explain.
Thanks all for listening.

In class met too guys that seem interested in me one one be a good catch but I don't find attractive at all. The other I find of attracted but is soo not good for me. See its like I always go for the wrong ones and then complain maybe its me that is really scared of comitment. But I will tell you one thing I may not one a relationship but I still get hot. My god that guy was pretty cute I got all tingly inside.
I got to stay focused so I don't screw up in school. Keep my head on the right track. As for my son I have been feeling alittle guilty between work and school I see him like an hour every day. I feel really bad because its not like his dad is around. Hopefully he doesn't hate for the next year and half.

Started my first day of class today. It was pretty good. I also started my new job that was okay too. I will finally be able to do so much more for my kid then I am able to do now once I am done with school.
Well I am still thinking about my sons father. Wish he was here with us doing all these things being apart of our lives. But like I said before he chose not too. He left and never looked back. Why I can't let go and move on is beyond me. Maybe one day I will get over him. I hope that I finally meet someone who will be great to my son and to me. But thats not what i want right now.

So Today was another day of running around and trying to figure shit out. I have been talking to my guy frend who is married. I have known him ten years and haven't seen him in 4 years. He always tells me how he wants to fly me for the weekend to go and see him. He's a sweet guy but man is he horny. I would never go down that rode because he is married. I honestly don't even think I want to be involved with anyone EVER!!! Or maybe its just that I am afraid of comitment. I haven't figured it out yet. I lost hope in all MEN and have kept something inside for a while now nothing like AIDS but anyway I just don't think a man would ever want to be with me.
It makes me cry sometimes I get all emotional. I feel so alone sometimes. Like really alone. Let me stop writing until next time.

yesterday I had such a terrible day. I started to rethink going back to school for culinary art. I mean its not exactly a four year school like Johnson & Wales, but at least I'll be getting a better idea how to prepare working in the industry that I have always enjoyed. None of my family think I should go back. Being that I am a single mom they all think I need to work a 9-5. That does sould gret and all, but working behind a desk is not really me.
I keep thinking about the past I haven't been able to let go. I mean I still after three years think about my sons father who well basicly left us and hasn't not contacted me in two years. I feel like ihave falled and no matter how much I keep trying to get back up I keep tripping. There is so much I keep iinside that I can't even begin to write about.
My kid asked me the other day why we don't have a big house like his aunt. I didn't know what to say. I wish I could give him a house and all the things I had growing up but unfortunatly I can't. My family does help me out when it comes to my child but I know in their heart of hearts they thnik I will always be where I am today. Basicly NO WHERE!!!!! Maybe one day My business will launch and it will kick ass then we will see what they think of me then.

Today I went to The Pier with my family. Thought a lot about my sons father. Where he is what he's doing why he hasn't kept inotuch with us. I want so much but yet I don't want nothing at all.
Simple things! I would love to just travel. Or move to the country. Live in a nice victoria house, or a farm house. Tired of all the city life. And I do love the city. Maybe one day I'll move maybe one day I'll get it all together. You know a broken heart is really never mended. There is always that piece that no matter how much you try to fix it, it keeps falling off.